I appreciate waking up and having someone call me beautiful.


I appreciate that I have a partner that I can lean on when I am hurting or scared.


I appreciate that I have someone to tell my most intimate secrets to without judgment.


I appreciate the little jokes throughout the day that brighten my mood.


I appreciate that he always makes sure we have everything we need and a little more.


I appreciate that he is still by my side loving me even though I tried to destroy that love because I thought I was not worthy.


I appreciate the strength and comfort he brings me.


I appreciate he chose me to share his life with.


I appreciate that I have been given the chance to recognize what I really have instead of concentrating on what I didn't have.



The more I think about why I love him, the more satisfied I feel in my relationship. I think it's because when I'm feeling grateful, I treat him with love and compassion, which makes him feel better about himself and leads him to treat me with love and compassion. In the end, we both win!


Being happy within ourselves is nice, but sharing that happiness is wonderful. I think that is one of the perks about marriage--being able to share yourself the good and the bad with someone.



I love having someone who "gets" me. He may not always understand me, but he gets me and he is there for me. Together we have and will continue to weather psycho ex's, crazy families, and flaky friends. We found our soul mates in each other and it is like a fairy tale. We are so much in love.

OF TO WORK SOON making some double time today hell yeah i worked all weekend
so all this week is my vacation
im kinda sad i dont have anything to do
so my plan all week is to sleep
maybe cook my baby dinner and just have some real carla time
i plan on trying out my lexapro this week while im not at work
so im not all fucked up @ work like before so hopefully it will work
i go see my shrink on the 6th i think
i might should double check or something
but at the moment all is well in my life
thank you god
anywho have a great sunday

1. Yourself? unstable

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: fiance

3. Your hair? auburn

4. Your mother:Insane

5. Your Father: asshole

6. Your Favorite Item: mi amor

7. Your dream last night: forgettable

8. Your Favorite drink: pepsi

9. Your Dream Car: celica

10. The Room You Are In: bed

11. Your Favorite food?: mexican

12. Your fear? failure

13. Where you want to be in 10 years? Happy

14. Who you hung out with last night? Friends

15. What You're Not: Rich!

16. Your Best Friend: kevin

17. Who you're in love with: mike

19. The Last Thing You Did: Cleaned

20. What You Are Wearing: all black n pink

21. Your Favorite Weather: warm

22. Your Favorite Book: none

23. The Last Thing You Ate: chocolate

24. Your Life: Complicated

25. Your Mood: Tired

26. Your social life: Internet

27. What are you thinking about right now? SLEEP

28. Your house: needs work

29. What are you doing at the moment: being lazy

30. Your summer schedule: all work and no play make carla a very dull girl indeed

"Call Me When You're Sober"


Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.

Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.

You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.

How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.

So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.

WHAT IF:
1. I died:

2. I kissed you:

3. I lived next door to you:

4. I started smoking:

5. I stole something:

6. I was hospitalized:

7. I ran away from home:

8. I got into a fight and you weren't there?

::WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY::
9. Personality:

10. Eyes:

11. Hair:

12. Family:

::WOULD YOU::
13. Be my friend?

14. Keep a secret if I told you one?

15. Hold my hand?

16. Take a bullet for me?

17. Keep in touch?

18. Try and solve my problems?

19. Love me?

20. Date me?

::HAVE YOU EVER::
21. Lied to make me feel better?

22. Wanted to kiss me?

23. Wanted to kill me?

24. Broke my heart?

25. Kept something important from me?

26. Thought I was unbearably annoying?

::AND MORE::
27. Who are you?

28. Are we friends?

29. When and how did we meet?

30. Describe me in one word:

31. What was your first impression?

32. Do you still think that way about me now?

33. What reminds you of me?

34. If you could give me anything, what would it be?

35. How well do you know me?

36. When's the last time you saw me?

37. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

38. Are you gonna repost this to see what I say about you?

Dominant Personality: Disappointment

Good Traits: You know what rejection feels
like, and are truthful with people.

Bad Traits: You're very pessimistic. It
seems like everything's gone wrong with your
life, so you've given up.

People see you as: Depressed, lonely, and
unenthusiastic. People walk right by you and
occassionally walk all over you. You let
yourself get pushed around and always blame
yourself.

You're Most Like: Regret. You think that
everything is going to turn out all wrong. You
have to take matters into your own hands.
Unlike regret, you don't constantly dwell on
the past, but dread the future.

You Need More: Calm. Don't associate with
promise-breakers, and a large group of people.
Seek out people who understand where you're
coming from.


What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by Quizilla

Institutionalized

Sometimes I try to do things, and it just doesn't work out the way i want it to
and I get real frustrated, and like, I try hard to do it and I take my time
and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to, it's like I concentrate on it
real hard, and it just doesn't work out, and everything I do and everything I try
it never turns out, it's like I need time to figure these things out, there's always someone
there going, hey mike, you know, we been noticing you've been having alot of problems
lately, you know, maybe get away, and like, maybe you should talk about it,
you'd feel alot better, I go no, it's ok, you know, I'll figure it out,
just leave me alone I'll figure it out, you know, I'll just work it out myself, and they go, well
you know, if you wanna talk about it I'll be here you know, and you'll probably feel alot
better if you talk about it, so why don't you talk about it, I go, no, I don't want to, I'm ok,
I'll figure it out myself, but they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me,
and it builds up inside,

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was in my room and I was like just staring at the wall thinking about everything
but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom comes in and I didn't even
know she was there and she calls my name and I didn't hear her and then she started
screaming, MIKE, MIKE, and I go what, what's the matter, and she goes what's the matter
with you?
I go there's nothing wrong mom, and she goes don't give me that, you're on drugs, I go no
mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm ok, I'm just thinking, why don't you get me a Pepsi? She goes,
no, you're on drugs, I go mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking, she goes no, you're not thinking,
you're on drugs, normal people don't act that way. I go mom, just get me a Pepsi please, all I
want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, all I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and
she wouldn't give it to me, just a Pepsi.

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up a chair and they
sat down, they go, mike, we need to talk to you, I go okay, what's the matter? They go me
and your mom, we been noticing lately you've been having alot of problems, and you've been
going out for no reason, and we're afraid that you're going to hurt somebody, and we're afraid
you're gonna hurt yourself, so we decided that it would be in your best interest if we put you
somewhere where you could get the help that you need, and I go, wait, what are you talking
about, we decided? my best interest? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can
you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? That I'm crazy? When I went
to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities. So
how can you say I'm crazy?

They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway

( more behind here )
my newest pictures

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

so this is whats up. my heart is breaking and i have no idea what to do to stop it,
this obsession is controlling my life. i havent had it this bad since nick.
thinking of his kiss stops my heart. i feel it lingering on my lips. i cant take it.
its like taunting a child with candy or teasing a pms'ing women with chocolate, its like being on your period and wanting sex so bad. its like wanting drugs the day before your piss test, its like being one number off from winning the 111 million dollor lottery. ok so i think you might have an idea of the pain im talking about. fucking charles knows how to hurt me, he doesnt want me but he doesnt want jason to have me, its not fucking fair, me and him are dead let me go, i care about him and i tried making it work. god knows ive tried but he could care less. ive cried and cried everyday this weak he couldnt careless he got up and walked out last night. im sure he went to jasons. didnt tell me he was leaving bye ill be back nothing, didnt even look back, so carla didnt even get dinner last night. asshole. i hate that im staying with him and im too stubborn to go back to moms so i have to put up with it. i just wish he would have told me he didnt want me there, it would have made things so much easier.
but its ok, i have nothing to do all weekend but comminse to get alcohol poisoning from the bottle of tequila i shall drink. hopefully i can see jason and talk somethings out. i gotta try and stay drug free, its gonna be hard but i always have alcohol :(
anyways thats whats new, the big 22 is coming up im only about 12 days away :) dont yall forget now :P

love me

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long."
"If we're in each others dreams, we can be together all the time"

i keep dreaming these dreams of someone... someone i cant get out of my head or my heart.
one night had such an impact on me its crazy,

i know how stupid it sounds..i know how unrealistic it is but i am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and what if that reason whats interveaned by someone? will that door open again?

im just really scared of what i could have missed out on...the wonderful person, lover and friend..
i cry alot about it..its really sad.

i honestly have NO clue what i want..i dont know where im going to live, who i want to be with, what i want to do with my life, it makes me really really sad.

im so freaking stressed out about it i cant even function, i carry on through my day hoping.. just hoping someone will step up to the plate give me there hand and lead me into the light.

im seriously just looking for someone to open up their heart and take me in, thats what i really want.
but its not the answer. this is my life I have to be the one to make the choices.

i cant just stand back and let life pass me by... i wont let life pass me by. i want to enjoy each moment i want to see the beauty in things instead of the pain and suffering.

i want to find the rainbow after my storm. i want to know that everything is gonna be ok.




"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." --Mark Twain:





You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

( Why do you love me? )

( walking dead )

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